Hello! It’s been a little bit since I’ve written something. I’m not sure who exactly will read this. I imagine it’s people who, for whatever reason, enjoy reading what I have to say. To this, I’m grateful.
As for this post, I’d like to use it as a space to clear the air. Clear the air on what exactly? Well, mainly why the heck I stopped writing. And on a deeper level, clear things up for my own self such that I can move forward in creating more content (written, video, on this blog, or not, etc.)
Hm. Guess it’s now time to start explaining myself. Where to begin?
First Some Context
Just so you know, this post may be quite long. By “quite long”, I mean unless you really really want to know the microscopic details of what I intend to share, this is probably a waste of your time. I.E. If you want to read this in full, save up to 30 minutes, even an hour of your day.
I do not expect anyone to dedicate that much of their life to absorbing my thoughts today. Except for my mom, probably. (I could always depend on her to give me the attention and space to be myself)
Anywho, for those that do decide to embark on this particular reading journey, know that it will be worth your time (I hope).
How so?
Well, as many of you are aware, I can be quite the poet and philosopher when it comes to sharing what I have to say. If not at least entertaining, my intent is that you the reader gain some sort of validation on your own personal journeys with success and transformation.
I truly believe that this last year of my life holds gems and nuggets other people will be able to utilize and learn from for years, if not generations to come. (I say that humbly)
Or, as I laugh, it could all fall upon deaf ears in which it will all go down in history as a “nobody really cares, Gabe” experience.
And of course, it could all lie somewhere on the spectrum somewhere in between glory and nothingness. Okay, enough of that.
Let’s move on.
*queues Reborn by KIDS SEE GHOSTS as he tends to his laundry for a writing break*
I'm so, I'm so reborn, I'm movin' forward
Keep movin' forward, keep movin' forward
Ain't no stress on me Lord, I'm movin' forward
Keep movin' forward, keep movin' forward
Apologizing For Nothing
As “Finest Hour” by Cash Cash starts to play, this is the part where apologize for not following through on my agendas (both hidden and shared).
“What agendas?” you ask.
Well, although literally almost nobody in the world knows or cares about the consistency of my content creation, it was my personal agenda to create one of the most badass, impactful, empowering blogs in the world.
Granted, my plan in executing that goal was to “just kind of go with it and assume it will just happen without any type of plan at all". Oh Young Gabe.
I guess the only person I should really be apologizing to is myself. And not even for failing myself. But rather, for expecting so much of myself.
I really did expect myself to go from zero to 1,000,000 on the first go. One of my…self-sabotaging mechanisms. One that many people share I believe - perfectionism.
So…I guess for theatrics, I apologize for nothing. Cause I didn’t do anything wrong, lmao.
And, at the same time, I gently coddle my own sensitive heart and soul, as I really did put a Mt. Everest’s amount of pressure on myself.
“YOU OUGHT TO BE X, GABE!”
“WHY AREN’T YOU AT X YET!?”
“YOU SUCK”
I didn’t consciously say or think these things to myself, but the emotional consequence is as if I or someone else did.
It all revolves around the subconscious feeling of not being enough, and that I need to become or have something that I don’t already have in order to feel and be at peace.
So, for all you reading, know that your feelings of letting others down may at the end of the day have to do more with yourself, not others.
Meaning, although there are people who look up to us, and expect us to follow through when we say we will, it is ourselves that we ultimately let down.
How? Cause we know what we’re capable of. And, we have self-expectations to be there for others. We weren’t there for ourselves when we said we’d be.
And…if we wanna go DEEP into the rabbit hole…letting others down is letting ourselves down, and letting ourselves down is letting others down. And that…maybe…there is no difference between others and ourselves. HMMMMM.
Some of you know what I’m saying.
Some of you have no idea.
Some of you are disagreeing, agreeing, and some don’t care.
OKAY! Awesome lmao.
Let’s move on.
And…to be clear….in case it isn’t already clear…I apologize for NOTHING!!!!
teeheeheehehe.
That’s gonna take some getting used to.
Resisting the Resistance (and also the Love)
The nature of what I want to share with the world is polarizing. That’s the story I keep telling myself at least. I’m still learning to be okay with others disagreeing with me and telling me I’m wrong. It’s not a feeling I enjoy, at all. Why? Cause, even if for a brief moment, disagreement feels like disconnection, which feels a lot like being rejected, abandoned, judged, and hated.
Not. Good. Feelings.
Imagine being in front of a crowd of 100 people and all of them screaming “BOO! FUCK YOU!”
It’s very intense right? I don’t care how much a person says they don’t care what other people think. The energy, the intent, the emotion behind “fuck you” and “you fucking suck” are very intense (especially if a person means it).
It’d be like a group of chimps all ganging up on the weakest chimp. The primal nature is to fucking run cause you’re about to die. (that may have gone over people’s heads, and I don’t care to explain to be honest - another self-sabotaging mechanism I’m just now noticing).
Point being, I’m still resisting the fact that in my life-quest, it is part of the journey to face enemies and defeat them. Maybe not be beating them, or winning against them, but remaining solid and whole despite being attacked.
To stand my ground as a fighter for good, even as evil surrounds me. That’s dramatic, I know.
But…as dramatic and theatrical it may sound, there are human beings out in the world whose Light is suffocated by the Dark. I’ve experienced it first hand. It’s actually quite terrifying to observe. For me at least.
I don’t know what the answer is…in terms of when I will find the courage to speak even more freely without concern for what may happen.
I just know that my soul is still waiting for some type of…unfuckwithable boundary that even Evil itself could not penetrate. Why? Cause I have no interest in walking the world without such a force field of unbreakable safety. It simply does not make sense to me.
I’m not willing to put myself at risk until I’ve learned to generate the type of space I know will keep my safe from spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical harm.
Maybe I’m asking too much. And I can already hear some of you saying that’s unrealistic or naive. I just know there’s a level of consciousness that will have ALL of what I’m saying be possible.
In fact…the space I’m talking about is one in which even HATE and EVIL can be LOVED. And it’s dreadful energy not be felt at all. Dare I say…that evil energy can be transmuted.
That…just like Harry Potter’s wand overpowered Voldemorts, or like Gohan’s overcame Cell, or whatever “Good overcomes Evil” type of situation you want to insert here, that there is such an access to Goodness that even us real human beings can access.
Hm…HMMM.
shrugs as if what he’s saying is just a thought, yet knows deep down that’s it’s true
MOVING ON ;)
“Why Don’t You Just Say It More Directly?”
Communication is an art and a science. As is teaching. Just because a person reads “how to do X Y Z” in a book doesn’t mean they know it. I can’t even explain that in more detail…or rather…I’m not going to.
They say the master points his students in the direction of the answer…but doesn’t give the answer to them. In my experience, this holds true.
Being able to regurgitate information and being able to apply it or see it foreal foreal are two separate things.
Like Morpheus says to Neo in “The Matrix”: I cannot show you the Matrix. You must see it for yourself.
And that’s why I don’t say it more directly. And when I do…it usually doesn’t help in the way I’d expect it to.
But hey, I’m open.
Being direct is good. But sometimes the depth of an answer cannot be told or taught. Rather, it must be experienced.
That’s why Mr. Miyagi has Danielson wipe the car in circular motions without explaining to him why. And, as I’ve experienced, that’s kind of how God (or the Universe) tends to teach us all. We go through these experiential lessons, sometimes over and over for years and years, only to discover the meaning behind the lessons after much time and suffering.
Anyways. That’s all I’ll say on that for now.
Let’s cap this puppy off, shall we?
Commit To Today, Forever Can Wait
One of the main blocks that gets in the way of my consistent blog writing is the fear of failing to write every day (like I failed to do already). “Every day” is such a giant fuckin pill to consider swallowing. Yet…it seems to be a default setting many people set their goals to.
“workout everyday”
“don’t do this every day”
“X Y Z every day”
Now, I get the purpose of commitments. And I commend those that stick to schedules, especially long-term ones.
My point here is that it’s fucking OKAY to just commit to today and let go of tomorrow. Not that tomorrow isn’t important. But…it literally doesn’t matter cause tomorrow is tomorrow.
As the cliche goes, the only thing that matters is today.
SO. In terms of commitments, all I commit to as far as this particular blog post goes is TODAY. I am posting this TODAY.
TOMORROW? Not committing to tomorrow.
AND, as I say that, I’m allowing myself to do that.
A ONE off. A SPECIAL EPISODE.
AND, this blog post can be special, can be impactful, can be of high quality even if I never ever write again.
Wouldn’t that be kind of poetic?
lol.
Anyways.
Thank you. Thank you all for reading and sticking with me.
I’m certain this didn’t take an hour to read. It’s funny how our expectations can be totally off. Maybe I believe that I have too much to say and nobody will care enough to listen. And maybe all I need is my own permission to say what I want to say. Or rather, I need to create that space such that the space exists at all.
Tweedly dee. Haha.
long sigh
oh human existence.
what the fuck even.
