As much as I love talking about myself, I try not to be too self-righteous or make it seem like I have a hard life (cause I don’t).
But, just like any human being, I go through my own battles and hardships.
This is something I don’t share a lot, but it’s something I want people to know.
Why? I guess to feel understood. And also to get some fucking credit.
I don’t show up the way I show up because “that’s just how I am.”
The happiness. The listening ear. The nonjudgment (85% of the time). The joy. The openness. The energy. It’s not by accident.
I work at it, hard, every fucking day, every fucking second.
I’m constantly checking-in on my emotions, my thoughts, my spirit. All the time. All day long.
Granted, nobody asks me to do this. I take it on myself. Why? Because I care how I show up for other people. I care what kind of energy I’m producing in the environment. I give a damn.
And I don’t want people to feel judged, ever, as much as I can help it. I don’t want them to feel like they’re not enough.
And do you know what that takes? Do you really know?
Because people, without even fucking knowing it, don’t generate space for other people to be. It’s just NOT what people do by default. It’s not what I do by default. I was trained to be that way. I train myself to be that way. It’s my fucking career choice to be that way.
And so, sometimes, I fuckin snap like every other fucking person I know does. But because that only happens literally 10% of the time, it fuckin SUCKS. Why? Cause 90% of the fuckin time when I’m super fuckin clear, there’s no fuckin acknowledgement.
(well, that’s actually not true)
But, my point is that it fuckin SUCKS. It sucks when my humanity shows, and it’s ME that has to clean it up.
I feel like I’m CONSTANTLY creating space for other people’s humanity. But mine? Nah. My humanity is only met with the humanity in others. And…fair enough.
But fucking STILL. It’s a rarity when what I do for others, and how I show up for others, is how another shows up for me without me asking.
And so, what I want you to know, is that it’s hard as fuck being me. Not in comparison to how fucking hard it is for you, or for others (cause I fully acknowledge we all have it hard). But, just like you, I have it fucking hard too. So give me a god damn break, please.
You know how hard it is to not let your fucking soppy ass energy effect my mood?
You know how hard it is to keep my fucking composure when everyone’s fucking ego is going fucking ballistic?
You know how much fucking shit I had to go through in order to create boundaries for myself?
A lot. It took a lot. It TAKES a lot.
I guess what I’m saying is it is sometimes super fucking difficult living the lifestyle I chose, and still being surrounded by people who did not choose that.
I fucking get it.
I’m the one that did all the fucking training. Not everyone else.
I’m the one that cares about all this shit. Not everyone else.
It’s me. I get it.
STILL.
FUCKING, still.
Give me a fucking break, please. One time. ONE fucking time.
I don’t show up this way.
I do it on purpose.
It takes IMMENSE fucking effort.
It really does.
Granted, I love it, and I do it without trying. But fucking STILL.
And that’s a lie, I have to fucking try. I have to apply myself to be this way.
I could EASILY just be a fucking dick wad, self-righteous asshole. I really could.
And at times I am. Facts.
BUT FUCKING STILL.
I CHOOSE TO SHOW UP THIS WAY.
AND 10% OF THE TIME I DON’T.
AND COMPARED TO YOUR FUCKING VICE VERSA SPLIT, 10% ON YOUR GAME AND 90% OFF IT, IT’S YOU THAT GETS THE COMPASSION, AND ME THAT GETS THE FUCKING LECTURE.
So please. PLEASE. Give me some fucking credit.
I earned it. I give everyone compassion and nonjudgment when they don’t even deserve it. If you’re not gonna give me credit when I’m off my game…at least give me credit when I’m on.
And…if you could…understand me when I’m off.
And…as I typically do…I’m pretty sure what I’m asking of others is exactly what I need to do for others.
Sigh.
Oh…to be me.
